almost a year had passed since my post. many things had happened and, sadly enough, never happened but im still standing for some reason. am i that strong, i ask myself. its may 2006, 3 years after my earth shattering moment. and it sucks when you realize how time sweetly passes by. i know i've got to keep moving on. but i'll always look back to the first...
"...muli namang umihip sa akin ang hangin ng pag-iisa
liwanag kang dagling sumilaw sa 'king mga mata..."
it was feb 15 when we first spoke to each other. the anonimity of mIRC opened its doors to a feeble mind. i wasnt expecting anything that day, just to have someone to talk to. i dont know what he saw in me. but i definitely know that when i saw his picture, as if he was tailor made to be what in the future would be the one i would never forget. 15 days later, we met. and boy, it was no ordinary meet-up. i've always looked forward to my first relationship to be with someone who would knock me off my feet. to this moment, i still cant stand up.
"...nililingon, sinusundan, dumadalas ang minsan
ika'y nariyan, abot tanaw kahit walang dahilan..."
first week after we've met, u told off bat that you didnt want a relationship. i understood. but i just cant seem to help but always look for you. and you would always be there anyway. you just became my best friend with benefits.
"...maiiwasan bang magkamali sa iyo?
nararapat bang pigilan ang damdamin na lalong mahulog sa iyo?..."
until.
you told me the reason why it was impossible for us to have a perfect future.
i had no choice. i was in too deep. how can you have a sane mind if you're in too deep?
"...walang maitutulad sa sumpang iyong nilikha
putulin man ang tali ay sadyang walang kawala..."
i know what we had was a mistake. but we cannot blame each other for creating such mess. everytime that we were together, i kept on thinking of the woman that had her trust on you, and how we were breaking the rules. but you were there to make me ignore the thoughts of her, and seriously, you've always managed to make me forget about your woman. that is, until i saw the engagement ring...
"...sa pagkaakit at di paglapit, nanalangin at umaasa
maiiwasan ba ang bawat sandaling ika'y laman ng isip ko..."
i tried to push you away, but you're always pulling me back. but after a month of deception, i realized i was so tired of being with you. i just woke up one day thinking i would not want to sink so low that nobody else could ever pull me up. im not sure now if im still down there, the mere fact that im reminiscing about you. may 2003. the matrix was just reloading, i have already finished my revolution and admitted defeat. i just cant do it anymore.
"...ngayo'y lilipas ng hindi kita nasisilayan
maiiwasan bang magkamali sa iyo?..."
it was just inevitable. you're now my stereotype. i've just proven that absence makes the heart grow fonder. 3 months after that day, i decided to get a job. anything to get you off my mind. i was able to, but you just cannot deny that you would always go back to your first... especially if you felt that you were loved...
"...nararapat bang pigilan ang damdamin na lalong mahulog sa iyo?"
Three years. if there's something that im proud of, im wiser now. i think i still have feelings for you, but i would definitely not want you back with me. im stronger now. if i see you around, i will give you a smile. i would talk to you, yes. but that's it i guess. i tried to convince myself a lot of times that im over you. but i realized the more im trying to convince myself, the more that it shows im still not over you. time will tell when i would finally say goodbye to you. but i definitely dont want to start over with you with another hello.
"...hindi padadala, hinding hindi padadala.. hindi padadala...."
